I wasn't allowed to do anything for myself
Not fully enjoying, touching, or being touched. A severe burnout in 2013 left me with three hours (!!) to put on my shoes. In 2015, I started looking for things that relaxed me. The real change began in 2017. Then, I carefully allowed touch, giving it, and enjoying it, back into my life. What a difference! From fear and panic to enjoyment, relaxation, and fun. I never imagined that touching and being touched could make such a difference to my mental and physical health.
To live
Connect in freedom
See, feel, hear, smell
First act, then think
Like nature
Here and now
I started writing to organize my thoughts. I posted this on Facebook, where I discovered I could touch others with my words. After writing, starting my own business, and realizing that wasn't my full passion, I continued my search.
Until I stopped looking.
It's already there.
I'm already there.
I stopped searching in all sorts of areas: work that might or might not suit me, relationships I might or might not pursue, searching for validation and connection. I stopped. It's all already there. I just have to reach out and take it. Tantra came my way. A way of life that perfectly suits this.
I've started using my senses more. Experiencing, being fully present, and noticing that one day I liked this, the next day that, and the day after that something I thought I didn't like. That's tantra for me: Living. Right now, in this moment. Feeling what there is to feel. Touching and being touched, in a wide variety of ways. Playing, together, alone, in connection.
Freedom
This process has given me a lot of freedom. Freedom to be who I am. Without having to justify myself, conform to certain parameters, or constantly try to please others. Doing what feels right in the moment.
Does that always work? No. I'm human too, and certainly not saintly or enlightened. But I do continue to practice what I love most: being there. Completely. Because that's where the wonders lie, the joy, the pearls, and the enjoyment.
I used to sing in a children's choir, then in a youth choir. Later, when I was in teacher training college, I learned to play a few chords on the guitar.
Sometimes I sing along softly during the massages, and I also play this song by Harry Jekkers (I love me) on the guitar in my spare time.
As a child I already massaged, fiddled I run my fingers through the hair of my brothers' friends. Enjoying that touch, the texture of that hair. Until I told myself I couldn't do it anymore. You can read a blog post about this. here to read.
The
tantra massages These feelings arose after I gave myself full permission to touch again, to enjoy that touch again. It brings me peace of mind, joy, pleasure, and a sense of connection.
